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Day Seven

11:14p.m.: So I just finished Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris a few days ago, and I’m about 3/4 of the way through Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by Mindy Kaling.  I.e. I feel like I need to start writing again.  Sexual adventures have been few and far between lately.  Had a date with a guy who said “the p word” instead of pussy, even after the first thing I said to him was “I love your fucking car!”  Clearly, not meant to be.  I’ve been hanging out with a guy for the last few months, and we’ve become great friends, but I think he might be secretly in love with me.  Shig.  I’ve been talking to some random Tinder fellows who are far enough away to not have to worry about seeing them in public but still fun to talk to.  All in all, I’m not really interested in being in a serious relationship right now or even dating anyone for that matter.  So yay for being selfish and ingesting ridiculous amounts of books, movies, and TV shows.

I wonder if I could write something funny.  Or moving.  Or poignant.  Now that I’m out of college and in the wonderful working world, I can write about whatever I want.  (cue 2 month writer’s block).  Writing about anything you want is fucking hard!  How do you pick?  I guess the best thing to do is just ramble aimlessly about sex and other things until I become hilariously amazing.  I tend to think about how genius the guys who write South Park are.  They somehow manage to perfectly satirize every relevant current event and make it fucking hilarious.  Or what about Seinfeld?  They literally wrote a “show about nothing” and made it one of the funniest, timeless sitcoms of all time.  After reading the chapter in Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? about her experience as a writer on The Office, I think that sounds like a dream job.  She describes being a comedy writer idealistically in which you “essentially sit and have funny conversations about hypothetical situations, and you are rewarded for originality of detail” (111).  Like wtf.  What could be more awesome than getting paid to do that.  Do I have what it takes to do that for a living?  Probably not.  But hey, hobbies are fun too.


Day Six

11:32p.m.: Late start tonight.  Oh well, not letting that slow me down!  Gettin my drank on.

1:04a.m.: Get to the next bar and see Bowling Green pretty much immediately.  I walk up and say hi because I literally never see him out.  It’s loud as fuck so he leans in to say something to me, and I swear he was about to kiss me right there but instead he says, “I have a girlfriend.  It happened yesterday.”  I’m kinda like wtf and who cares so I just say, “Duly noted,” and walk away.

1:33a.m.: I’m getting bored quick and start texting all the guys I know that I think are attractive.  Classy right?

1:38a.m.: Text back from Personal Trainer.  Not my personal trainer of course, but that’s what he does.  Anyways I know him from school, but we’re both from here and living at home again.  I haven’t seen him in years, and I was always closer with his friends than I was with him.

1:43a.m.:  Get to Personal Trainer’s house.  He’s actually kind of witty and charming, which I was not expecting.  Did I mention how drunk I was?  Yeah.  Really drunk.  Drunk enough for me to tell him that I thought I was going to hate him but that “I actually kind of like you!”  *facepalm.*  Anyways, it was drunk sex.  Nothing to write home about.  But he was nice to hang out with and I’d probably do it again.

5:49a.m.:  Headed home.  People are going to church.  Win.

1:32p.m.: Wake up to 10 missed calls and 12 texts.  Bowling Green says, “Sorry for being a dick last night.”  What? He might think I actually care about what he does.  I could care less that he has a girlfriend, and I really didn’t think he was a dick last night so I reply, “lol I didn’t really think you were a dick but thanks?”  He doesn’t say anything.  Probably won’t talk to him for a while.  I need to start cutting ties around here to be honest.

Day Five

9:34a.m.: Back to work. Spent the weekend at Lake Cumberland with my friend’s family. Good times. His 3 year old nephew pointed at a bag of pretzels and said, “fuuuck.” So yeah.

6:14p.m.: Got 5 FB friend requests from creepy, random-as-shit dudes today. Did not accept any of them.

12:36a.m.: Having one of those rare moments in which you really appreciate how amazing your life is and all the great experiences and great people that make life what it is. I’m in a good place right now. Fuck yeah.

Day Four

1:22p.m.: Chicago is literally texting me about a shit he’s taking.  That’s it.  I’m done.

10:41p.m.: Snapchatting with Bowling Green. Why does he have to be so damn cute?

12:02a.m.: My mom loses one of the dogs.  She starts yelling her name in the backyard in the rain.

12:10a.m.: I find her in the living room. 

Day Three

10:00p.m.: After my friends have failed offer any excitement, I start making my texting rounds.  In the midst of this, Chicago texts me, being weird as ever.  I don’t know why I keep thinking he’s going to suddenly start acting normal.  Anyways, Pool Manager texts me back first, but says they aren’t going out for a while and he’ll call me.  He’s been trying to hang out a lot lately, but I’m just not into the kid.

11:34p.m.:  I finally get sick of looking for something to do and decide to head home.

11:47p.m.: Pool Manager calls me, I almost don’t answer.  He says they’re going to Ri Ra’s.  I say I’ll meet him there.

12:04a.m.: I’m there sitting in the parking lot, tired as shit, and decide I’d rather just go home.  I don’t feel like rebutting advances tonight.  It’s fucking exhausting. 

3:04a.m.: Missed call & text from Bowling Green that says his phone has been dead and he just left Backstage.  I was asleep but just happen to wake up right after he sent this.  I debate texting back, but sleep fog wins.

Day Two

5:12p.m.: Text from Chicago saying work was crazy this week.  Same here.  That was about the end of the normalcy in the conversation.  He starts asking for pictures of me, sprinkled with weirdness/creepiness.

8:36p.m.: Sparse texting til now, and he’s really fucking weirding me out at this point.  I ask him to quit, he doesn’t.  So kbyeee.

12:35a.m.: Sitting at home watching Sex and the City.  Please tell me I haven’t crossed over from singledom to boringdom.

12:39a.m.: Text from Bowling Green: “What are you doing?” i.e. code for “Come over.” Can’t decide if I want to respond.  I really don’t want to be tempted to go over there, but I have done absolutely nothing all night. Ugh FML.

1:24a.m.: I cave and text him back. Luckily I’m in bed already, so absolutely no chance of going over there. I can’t get over how much it fucking sucks that the one guy I would love to hook up with has become sexually taboo. Goodnight cruel world.


Day One – Again

9:01p.m.: After almost a year, I’ve started having writing withdrawal, so here I am again.  I’ve had a hand full of sexcapades, but none worthy enough to recount – so I might as well start fresh.  I’ve fallen into a comfortable form of singledom.  The kind that makes you perfectly fine with sitting at home watching Sex & the City without obsessing over who is or is not texting me.  It’s also the kind that makes you go over to Bowling Green’s house in your pajamas without makeup on to watch Wes Anderson movies, but that was last night and like I said – starting fresh.  I think my single comfort might have something to do with work.  I’ve been hellaciously busy, especially since I got promoted, which has allowed me to focus my energy there instead of on lame-as-fuck dudes.  But since that’s what’s fun to read, let’s get to it.

First off there’s Used to Be (and apparently still is) Obsessed with Me – We dated in high school and I was dumb enough to try and date him again a few months ago.  He’s really got no motivation in life, didn’t go to college, and is generally all around lame-as-fuck.  The only reason I mention him is because he is still texting me and Snapchatting me despite my continued and unfaltering disregard.  So fucking annoying.  Tonight’s line was “Your gorgeous and I miss you” followed swiftly by “You are perfect” – the your/you’re thing is one of my ultimate pet peeves. Like this could get any more annoying.

Second there’s Bowling Green – Remember him?  Well he moved back home, and he’ll be here til August.  We hang out once like every 3 weeks, maybe not even that often.  Watch a movie, end up making out like crazy, but I always leave without having sex with him because a little birdie told me he might have a Valentine’s Day if you know what I mean.  Anyways it totally freaked me out, and I wouldn’t dare ask him, so I just keep making out with him because it’s just so damn good.

Third there’s Chicago – We also dated in high school for like 5 seconds, never had sex, but found a mutual adoration for the movie Garden State, which is still one of my favorites and possibly part of the reason why I still like him.  He’s gone and made something of himself, web developer at Sears. Anyways we randomly started texting each other again recently, but the last few days we haven’t.  He got really weird and said he had all this pent up frustration from when we were together? Wtf.  Anyways I like talking to him, and it was fun having someone to flirt with all the time. But if shit gets too weird, I’m out.

Fourth No Longer F No Longer WB – How could I forget? Anyways he’s changing back to F but still no B.  We did hook up a couple weeks ago – amazing as always.  But I’m not falling down that fucking rabbit hole again.  If the sex happens again fine, but absolutely no feelings this time.

Fifth.. Make Out Friend – I’ve been friends with this kid since high school.  Never been attracted to him ever.  Then he comes home for the summer right after graduating but just before moving to his 65k a year starting position job in Cincinnati.  Hot right?  Anyways one day I was just like holy shit I think I’m crushing on him. And then we made out.  He tried to push it further, but I had a gut feeling it would be horrible if we did, so I didn’t.  We made out again a couple times.  Now he’s all moved away, but he’s already come back once, and I’m sure he’ll be back again soon.


Well I think that’s all of them.  Hopefully I can get a new player in soon.  Shit’s getting boring.

Day Twenty-Two

11:39 p.m.: Well apparently I’ve crossed the line from seize the night, crazy, wild, single girl to totally lame but perfectly content staying home on a Friday night watching Zoolander person. Oh well. I’ve been working a lot of course. It’s been fun. Never boring of course. No boys are particularly striking my fancy at the moment. A few are trying to hang out. Ex-boyfriend drunkenly tried to get me to go out last night. I didn’t oblige. The highlight of my night has been beating level 350 in candy crush. Mother fuckin thing had me stuck for 3 months. Anyways hooray!

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Day Twenty-One

1:09 a.m.: Totally lame tonight. Oh well I need to catch up on sleep anyways. Have kind of patched things up with No Longer F No Longer WB, at least enough so that we can have a civil conversation and be in a group without it being awkward at all. One thing is for damn sure; I’ll never trust him again. Oh well. Band Guy has been texting me. He’s nice. We haven’t hung out yet though even though he asked me too. We’ll see.

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Day Twenty

2:24 a.m.: Just got home from night out for one of my best friends’ birthdays.  Naturally No Longer F No Longer WB was there.  I was expecting it.  It’s been long enough now that we just comfortably ignored each other for most of the night.  After we were both adequately inebriated he ended up saying what’s up to me but we were sitting in a group and it wasn’t a big deal.  I can’t even imagine having sex with him again.  He’s just so unappealing to me now.  Band Guy was there too.  He gave me a big hug.  He was playing all night, and I eventually came up to him and said he needed to quit it and hang out with me.  He smiled and did.  Apparently he didn’t text me a few weeks ago because my number didn’t save in his phone.  He even showed me.  Weird.  Anyways I could totally tell he was into me.  He’s sweet for sure, but I’m not enamored or anything.  Oh well.  It’ll feel good to be chased.

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