I’m labeling these posts sequentially but they don’t really come right after each other. I guess that’s obvious. Anyways
12:35 a.m.: Sitting here, watching Duck Dynasty feeling like a just need to get it all out. A lot has happened recently. I traded peaches for sex, definitely a low point. Traded them to FWB (no longer, but more on that later). Sex with him is fucking amazing, but he’s a real prick to me usually. I say that because I like him, and he doesn’t like me back. I’ve had to talk myself out of feelings like five times. Settling for friendship and sex was doing it for me just fine. But we went to dinner yesterday, and at the end of the meal he announced that he felt like the sex was fucking with our friendship, and he thinks we should stop. I was 3 strong martinis deep at that point and pretty much just shut down and didn’t speak anymore. I had a shit ton I wanted to say but wouldn’t because 1) we were in public and 2) I refuse to let him see me look upset or vulnerable. He knew I was pissed because he texted me after we had parted ways with a “wtf is your deal” followed promptly by a “fine, don’t fucking talk to me.” All I could say was “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” Who knows if and when I will.
So for now I’m SOL as far as sex goes. I refuse to just hook up with someone I don’t care about. It wouldn’t even be worth it. Maybe I don’t want the sex; I want the connection, which wouldn’t be there if I didn’t give a shit about the person. I’m just hoping I don’t go through withdraws; I’ve been known to be kind of an addict.
I was thinking about writing about work and shit, but who wants to read that. Not that anyone is reading this. I’ll just say I was recently “promoted” (.50 pay increase ($8.50/hr) and more responsibilities, longer hours). Hopefully I’ll end up getting $10 an hour soon after I get trained to fill in for managers etc.
I guess I’ll give a brief description of the guys in my life at the moment:
Bowling Green: Known him for 6 years, always flirted. I recently went to BG to visit him and we had sex for the first time. We were both drunk, but it was good. I’d go back for it.
Chicago: Dated him in high school when he was a senior and I was a freshman. He compliments and texts me a lot which I like. He’s always asking me to come up and visit him. Part of me wants to, part of me doesn’t. Pretty much because it’s so far and if shit got weird it would be a pain in the ass to turn around and go home.
F no longer WB: Already told you about this one. I would date him, and I hate that he doesn’t want to date me. I hate feeling not good enough.
UK: My friend’s friend that’s going back to UK in 2 weeks. We’ve hung out a few times. At first he tried mercilessly to have sex with me, but I shut him down hard and now we just make out and drink together. He’s cute and makes me laugh. Last night he told me I was everything he wanted and he knew I would be a good girlfriend. That was nice to hear. I’m kinda sad he’s leaving, but I’m not head over heels or anything. He’s kind of a shitty kisser which depresses me.
Pool Manager: Known him for a couple years. We’ve talked off and on, never gone past making out. Also kind of a shitty kisser. What’s wrong with people? Anyways he’s also got the cute and funny thing going for him, but we haven’t hung out in a while. He works all the time, but since the pool is closing for the season maybe he’ll have more time on his hands.
Ex-Boyfriend: We dated forever ago it seems like. He’s since gotten engaged and had a baby (not in that order). He still tells me he misses me and loves me. I miss him too. We were in love. He doesn’t like the girl he’s with now. He works all the time so I never see him, but we’re supposed to hang out soon.
Well that’s it, more or less. Hopefully things will start to develop into enough for me to write about.
1:04 a.m.: Currently texting Chicago. He’s always asking for pictures of me (non-sexual), and he always tells me how pretty I am when I send them. He’s sweet. He also doesn’t reciprocate with the pics too much which I appreciate. Not that he’s bad looking, but I’m just not as into him as he is into me.
1:23 a.m.: Chicago sort of but not really offers to fly me up. I would feel weird letting him do that. I don’t think I would.