12:08 p.m.: Finally get out of bed after waking up the third time. The last few days have been highly uneventful. Hence my lack of writing. Just a lot of work and sore feet. Plan is to go out tonight with some girls so hopefully it’ll be something worth writing about. Dreading the possibility of running into No Longer F No Longer WB. Hopefully if he is there it won’t be so bad because I’ll be with my girl friends. They said if it feels too weird we’ll leave.
1:16 p.m.: Decide to play video games/watch TV until my phone is fully charged so I can go to the gym. I haven’t been in so long and it’s starting to make me feel bad about myself.
6:28 p.m.: Totally didn’t go to the gym. Ended up watching the episodes of Dexter and Ray Donovan that we’ve missed since the TWC Showtime black out. Oh well, it was fun. Yay family time.
10:07 p.m.: Head out to one of my guy friend’s houses and have a beer with him and his friends. While I’m there I get an unexpected call from Ex-Boyfriend. He’s out at Hammerheads and wants me to come see him. I tell him I’ll be there in 15 minutes.
11:15 p.m.: 30 minutes later, I see him sitting outside. He buys me a drink and we sit and talk and laugh about everything and nothing. An older gay guy turns to us and asks if we’re together and if we’re not then we should be. Neither of us know what to say, we just laugh. He said a fucking mouthful there.
12:36 a.m.: I find out that his baby and his girlfriend aren’t around. He asks if I want to see his apartment since I’ve never gotten to. I do. I know this is starting to sound like a stupid romance novel or a Lifetime movie or something. It wasn’t like that. Neither of us knew how things were going to turn out. We were just enjoying this time we were getting to spend together. It’s been so long.
1:15 a.m.: After trying to get my friends to come up to the apartment but losing them in the process, we go back upstairs so I can get my phone and wallet. I’m pretty drunk at this point. He puts on an old record that reminds us both of each other. He tells me how it used to upset him when I would bring new boyfriends to the restaurant he worked in. Without thinking, I tell him I only did that so he would tell me they weren’t good enough. He takes my glass out of my hand and kisses me. It feels so poignant but at the same time like it just happened yesterday. I end up on the floor with him on top of me. For about 30 seconds I forget that we’re in his apartment where his girlfriend could walk in any second, and everything just feels right. I break the passion by getting up to go pee. Despite the romance, I just don’t want to get a UTI.
1:49 a.m.: On the couch now. It’s happening. This should be fucking amazing, we haven’t had sex in 3 years and he was the first person I ever loved. But I can’t get out of my head. I keep running through this scenario of his girlfriend coming in and beating me up or any number of awful things happening. I also can’t stop thinking about how weird this all is. He knows there’s something wrong and keeps asking what he can do. I try to explain, but I feel like I’m just ruining the moment. He finishes. I used to know exactly how I looked in his eyes, but I can’t help but notice that his hands feel different on me now. He tells me so many times how gorgeous, perfect, and amazing I am. I used to believe him no questions asked. Why can’t I now?
2:33 a.m.: He has to be at work at 6 a.m. so I leave. I meet up with my friends downstairs and we go to one of their houses a few blocks away. Hang out there for a while and talk about what a weird night it was for everyone. One friend talks about her relationship woes with one of my best friends who was just in town visiting from Colorado. She seems so together and over him and he is so not. I wish I felt the same way she does about Heart-Breaker. I was missing him earlier in the day, but Ex-Boyfriend was enough to make me forget. I hope he has time to see me again soon.
3:51 a.m.: Headed home. What a weird fucking night.